turf

ASTRO TURF - you can have one in your garden!

I noticed an immaculate-looking lawn in Winchester the other day: during a rehearsal at Mark Levy and Jo Levine's new house I couldn't help commenting on their orderly garden. I was told that the lawn was plastic, laid by the previous owners of the house to minimise the muck from the shoes of their 3 children, carried into the snazzy kitchen. First I thought this was a ridiculous idea, but then the concept grew on me. After a rant in a rehearsal break on the cost of salami in this country and exploring the idea of starting a pig farm to produce some non-imported quality salami that is affordable, I moved on to another idea of a money-making venture: If astro turf in private gardens caught on, one could take it a step further. Apart from battery-operated wildlife to give the impression of animals being able to survive on a plastic lawn, one could also have plastic trees. They could contain an electro magnet which could be switched off in autumn to make the plastic leaves fall off. These can be easily stored in the shed over winter and re-attached in Spring at the touch of a button. A 'blossoms' option can also be included when buying the tree in the first place. Bigger trees with tree houses or swing attachments would also be available. Perhaps a Xmas version can also be offered: the bare tree gets unplugged in December, taken into the house and at the touch of a button it could turn into a Xmas tree, ready for decorating. Plastic flowers could also sprout through the lawn or in borders, at apt times throughout the year.
It was pointed out to me that cleaning could be a problem, as real birds might leave deposits on the leaves. So, a pressure washer cleaning company (perhaps teamed up with the bin-washing team?) could be employed to clean the trees.
Maintenance-free plastic shrubs are another choice, to cover unsightly fences.
Why bother with gardening?